I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same