According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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Just say no
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
is this how new cars are made??
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly