*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
how was your vacation
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.