It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
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“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.