This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
God, I love Scotland
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.