Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Body by sandwich.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”