Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked