I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Jogging
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.