adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
それは草
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?