My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion