Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.