My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
i was baptized in a car wash
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*