*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
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I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian