Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns