When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”