If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.