People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.