The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Realize this:
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I found your tweet-up…
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it