Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
This hospital has everything
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
my dad has had enough
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL