There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself