cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats