Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
584.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours