Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
No. YOU-buprofen.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?