I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
WTF
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Thrilling chase underway
Put this video in the Louvre
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack