My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.