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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight