In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Every BBC series about the universe.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.