The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
scares