[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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