there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.