How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.