Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Only short people can save us
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.