Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.