Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.