Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
You Might Also Like
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
saving face 👀
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Festive toon…
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.