If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter