[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*