Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!