The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
You Might Also Like
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”