[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*