I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
You Might Also Like
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.