Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF