Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I came this close!!!!
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?