For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?