Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
When they try to steal your moment.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.