Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.