photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I laughed at this way too hard.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
This was the best day of my life