The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
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I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.