Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My what?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
how much for the angry fruit?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.