I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
This makes total sense…
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.